At the end of my rope...

Throughout my pregnancy, I've been hoping that "Ziggy" comes on time or late, but I was always pushing for late. Most women who've been pregnant think I'm crazy. Why? Well, because each day it becomes increasingly difficult to walk, get out of bed, go to the bathroom, put on my shoes, and generally feel comfortable in any way. My back hurts, my feet are swollen, and I feel (and feel like I look) like shit. I'm excited to have our baby, but I have not enjoyed pregnancy as a whole though and am ready to not be pregnant anymore.

So, why would I want to extend this past my obligatory forty weeks?

...

Well, I've been concerned about leaving/abandoning my students. Primarily, they are my students, my responsibility, and I've agreed to get them through the courses they are taking with me. (Note: My due date is 5 November, so basically, we have three weeks of class after that.)

Secondly, while the university has a "Family Medical Leave Policy" for graduate students, it doesn't really have any real protocol for an instructor who needs to be out of the classroom.

I should say that our department chair has helped to make sure plans are in place so that I can have coverage for the two weeks between my due date and Thanksgiving, and that it is my desire to go back for the last week of class. My dissertation director has been awesome, and many people have been supportive.

But one can't help but feel that the university, as a whole, has an attitude about pregnancy that's cringe worthy. It's as if one might plan pregnancies around the semester (at least if she is a graduate student). Or better yet, one should choose to wait until they've finished graduate studies to create a family (yes, I was told NOT to get pregnant by a faculty member who said I wouldn't finish if I did), or that having children is tantamount to taking your studies and your work lightheartedly if you're a woman. Since I've been in my program, lots of male students have started their families; a lot fewer female students have. The gender politics of that fact amuse me to no end in a department and a field of study that claims a rather liberal agenda.

Add to all of this, the reality of Scott and my situation. Most likely, I will never apply for a tenure track position. I will teach adjunct or go back to public education (a more appealing choice every day). In other words, there is no light at the end of the tunnel here. No means to a more appealing end.

And add to that my general frustration currently with the university. One, our CAS isn't funding graduate student travel to conferences. So, I've been accepted to give a presentation at MLA, but I probably won't be able to afford to go (because after all, my salary is $12,000 and graduate students are currently required to pay for printing in our department). It's as if the university has become so big that it forgets that students are not there to sustain it, but it is there for students. I've once again not received this or that award, which would be fine if it didn't feel like the rules were always changing, and that what goes one year will not the next. And finally, while I was being "considered" (I don't even know what that process looks like) for that award, I was being overlooked for classes (upper level classes that meet two days a week--a schedule that would be really handy for someone with a newborn and a schedule that normally would be given to senior graduate students) that I would like to teach. So, I have little funding for an important trip, I didn't receive another award, and I don't know what I'll be teaching in the spring. I realize I'm complaining, but I'm frustrated right now. I am so disillusioned with higher education, and I find myself asking why the hell I care when I go into labor...

Oh right, because of the students.

But the thing is, I'm about to have my own kid, and while that may not be important to other people, it's got to be the most important thing to me, which is to say...

F--- it. Ziggy, we're waiting for you.